I have collected and put together a list of best axe puns and jokes below, related to the wood chopping tool itself, as well as axe murderers and the infamous Axe deodorant.
An axe is one of man’s tools that has been used for 1.5 million years to shape, split and cut wood, to harvest timber, and as a weapon.
The modern axe consists of a head and a handle, whilst the stone-age hand axe came without a handle.
As it’s a tool almost as old as time, it’s not surprising that there is an abundance of puns and jokes about axes.
Without further ado, let’s dive into the funniest axe puns and jokes. Enjoy!
THE BEST AXE PUNS AND JOKES
- Don’t be a pain in the axe!
- I love your random axes of kindness!
- I have a scar from an axe on my finger. It was an axident.
- Where does a lumberjack buy his axes? At the “Chopping Maul.”
- My friend got arrested for saying he was an axe murderer. Turns out he’s just a really bad guitarist.
- I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth. Now when I talk, I have this weird axe-scent!
- I spent two hours looking for my axe. And then it hit me!
- In court, an axe murderer said to the judge: “I am innocent. It was only an axident!”
- In the middle of the battle, the soldier pulled his comrade aside and said: “Just take a few minutes to rel-axe! I don’t want you to get a splitting headache!”
- I axe myself whether it is really necessary to chop down that tree in my garden.
- During a biology lesson, the teacher asks her student, “What separates your head from your body? The student innocently answers, “The axe!”.
- It ‘s difficult to understand what these lumberjacks are trying to say because they speak with a thick axe-cent.
- Did you hear about the lumberjack who lost his job? They gave him the axe, he just couldn’t hack it.
- Axe a silly question and you’ll get a silly answer!
- I came home to find an axe buried in my PC. I think it has been hacked!
- I saw a guy today with soot all over his face carrying a large pick axe and wearing a royal blue hardhat that matched his overalls. But these are just miner details.
- “Son, where did you learn to use an axe like that?”.”In the Sahara Forest”. “Don’t you mean the Sahara Desert?”. “Well sir, that’s what they call it now!”.
- What do you call a car crash with a lumberjack? An axident.
- Why was the spreadsheet afraid of its chart? Because it has multiple axes.
- I killed a dentist with an axe but only got charged with manslaughter. My lawyer said it was an axe-a-dental death.
- I was disappointed when it turned out the axe I bought to climb with was useless for the job. It was an anti-climb axe.
- I have an axe that was once owned by George Washington. My great-great grandfather had to replace the handle. And my grandfather had to replace the blade, but it’s Washington’s axe.
- How axeciting!
- Great axepectations.
- Why did the chicken put the egg on an axe? To hatchet.
- Sorry mate, I broke your axe head. Hope you can handle it.
- I made a bad joke about an axe. No one laughed. It wasn’t very cleaver.
- I’m addicted to ordering hatchets from other countries because of the smell. I love foreign axe scents.
- I always like bragging about the very small hatchet I own. I’ve done some research on it and as it turns out, it’s from the 1850’s and was used in some rich guy’s home to chop up citrus fruits for desserts and cakes. My wife thinks it’s boring, she says “it’s just an antique lime axe”.
- A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead all join a tournament. They are allowed to bring any weapon they choose, and the only rule is that the first person to draw blood wins. The brunette walks in with a badass double-edged axe, the redhead walks in with a huge longsword, and the blonde shows up with a red marker.
- I must axe you a question.
- What would a lumberjack do with an egg? They would hatchet.
- Only two things in life are certain: death and axes. The former usually follows the latter.
- Two axes were arguing for ages and finally one said to the other: “I think it’s time we bury the hatchet!”.
- The lumberjack who was constantly late for work said to his boss: “Don’t axe me, I don’t know how to handle this!”.
- Let me axe you a question. It’s about your neck…
- Let’s kick axe!
- How can you tell that an axe thrower loves his assistant? He always misses her!
- What did one deodorant say to the other? I can’t understand you, your axe scent is too strong.
- Little Johnny’s teacher asks: “George Washington not only chopped down his father’s Cherry tree but also admitted doing it. Do any of you know why his father didn’t punish him?” Little Johnny replies: “Because George was the one holding the axe?”.
- I donated a golden axe to the lumberjack society the other day. I’m just a sucker for a random axe of kindness.
- I’ve heard that people in my town have been throwing axes at trees in the middle of the night. There doesn’t seem to be any reason for it, it seems like they are just random axe of violence.
- Wow, what an axecellent throw!
- Please don’t axe me to help, I have no idea how to handle this situation.
- I got struck by a golden axe. Au!
- Axe Body Spray have decided to make a new scent called “English.” That way when you wear it, you can say that you have an English Axe scent.
- The lumberjack didn’t know what to do when his axe broke. He was really stumped.
- Finally, the lumberjack has recovered from his injury. He’s back in axe-tion.
- The biggest difference between a lumberjack and any other profession is that if you’re a lumberjack you’re at risk of getting axed at any point.
- The man failed at being a standup comedian, but when he retrained, he really excelled in his career as a lumberjack. I wasn’t surprised, he was a total hack.
- I used to watch the best TV show about lumberjacks. I was sad when it got axed.
- Three-dimensional tools are so much better than anything else for chopping down trees. It’s because they all have three axes.
- What food is an axe murderer’s favorite aphrodisiac? Chopped dates!
- Turns out there are TWO Loch Ness Monsters! One of them is quite mean, but the other actually gives away his forestry tools. A little weird, sure, but it’s always nice to see some random axe of Kind Ness.
- What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple? Cutting your toe off with an axe!
- A guy sprayed so much body spray, causing a few people to suffocate. He was registered as an axe murderer.
- An axe walks into a forest and the trees say: “At least the handle is one of us!”.
AXE IDIOMS, EXPRESSIONS AND SLANG
Apart from axe puns, there are some axe expressions and idioms used in everyday language that have a different meaning. Check them out below.
- Have an axe to grind – to have something to complain about.
- Old battle-axe – a bossy old woman.
- Get axed – to get fired.
- An axe hanging over someone – they are likely to lose their job soon.
- An axe hanging over something – likely to be destroyed or ended soon.
I hope you have enjoyed my selection of axe puns and jokes.
Thanks for stopping by!
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